Does not compute! AH AH AH

Oh Hey, I can Drink Lemonade Again

Sure To Disappoint

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Yes, yes… I know everyone expects a story or a new religion.  But all you get today are two videos of my dog, Colonel Bella T. Lightning Bolt Esquire.

So suck it.

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Written by bzztmalfunction

November 1, 2008 at 11:46 am

Beware the quince, for it is the way to damnation.

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I know I promised to make an update about the hilarious goings-ons at Wizard Quest this past weekend, but I have a new story to tell about an interesting conversation I had at work today, and I really want to spread the word as quickly as possible.  Keep in mind this is all based on actual events.

For you see, my friends, the road to damnation has been divined to me. If you seek the path of retribution, please, by all means, read on.

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Either I’m from Minnesota, or I’m a great liar.

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So at work we have new blood at my desk.  His name is Steve.  I call him Matango, Fungus of Terror because I don’t like any rendition of the word Steve.  Anyways, we’re sitting there doing nothing (that’s our job) and I decide to make some small talk.  It went something like this:

Me: So where are you from?

Steve: LaPeer.

Me: Oh gross.

Steve: We have one of the oldest working courthouses in the United States.

Me: Neat.

Steve: Where are you from?

Me: Minnsota.

Steve: Oh really, where at?

Me: Uhhh… (first name I think of) Glenville.  It’s a real small town.

Steve: Oh, where’s the nearest big city?

Me: Oh… like….. over an hour north………………

Steve: Oh, that’s cool.

Me: I’m totally bullshitting you.

Steve: Oh ok.

Me: I wonder if there is a Glenville, Minnesota…

So I check google maps, and I find this out.

That’s fucking weird.

Written by bzztmalfunction

September 18, 2008 at 8:51 pm

Please Please Please

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Just click here.

Inside jokes are hilarious when only three people understand.

Written by bzztmalfunction

September 17, 2008 at 10:18 pm

Another Strange Dream

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I had another strange dream the other night. Apparently the Earth found itself in a bit of a predicament.  You see, a hostile alien race had decided that they wanted to destroy our portion of the universe.  In order to do so, they created a black hole.

Logically, if this were to ever happen, the world leaders would choose a highly skilled team of cosmonauts, send them into space with advanced technolgy and have them set up a base of operations from which to combat this threat on the Moon.

Conveniently enough, this team consisted of myself and all of my friends.

Also, we had super powers.

In a strange turn of events, they sent my friend Sunny up to the moon first in order to establish a working station.  If I recall her super power was to grow really really big.

Eventually, they sent the rest of us up there. To our suprise, however, the aliens had begun to invade our station before we even landed!  Sunny fending themoff with feats of blurry dream action.

Also, we can breathe in outer space now.

So we’re all fighting outside the base on the moon, doing sweet low-gravity manuevers and kicking ass in general. However, while we were preoccupied the aliens cranked up the power on their black hole!  We only had moments to stop it.  But what to do?  How can you think under such pressure?

But wait, I know what to do.  Logic dictates that the best way to extinguish a black hole is by forming balls of blue light in your hand and repeatedly firing them through space at it. Which also happened to be my power.

If you don’t understand maybe this illustration will help:

The is essentially everything that happened.

The is essentially everything that happened.

Written by bzztmalfunction

September 17, 2008 at 2:38 pm

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It’s funny because I would

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The picture is funny and all, but its fucking up my layout.

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Written by bzztmalfunction

August 18, 2008 at 5:12 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Full Circle

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Disclaimer: The music referenced to in this entry is excessively queer.

Does anyone else get really freaked out when you reference a song or a movie early in the day, and later at night at an event totally unaffiliated they are referenced to again? Ok, it might be just me who gets freaked out, but probably because it happened about ten times yesterday.

For example: My friend Josh, Colonel Lightning Bolt, and I drove to Grand Haven to a Blueberry Festival that seemed to not exist. (I have the worst luck with GRNow.com with things on Sundays. First a “Wedding Faire” that turned out to be a lonely tray of cream puffs and now this.) I brought my iPod for a plethora of music choices, and we put it on random and the following songs came up:

  • Cruel Summer – Ace of Base
  • 9 to 5 – Dolly Parton
  • Let Me Think About It – Ida Corr

We also discussed Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion, because apparently Colonel Lightning Bolt resembles Mira Sorvino. (Pictured below.) This in itself was weird, because I had been thinking about the movie earlier in the day and how much I would like to purchase it.

Now for the freaky six-degrees treatment. (or wait, is it seven degrees? Does this term even apply for what I’m going for?)

When we got home, we installed a free MMO game called Perfect World. The primary reason for such this screenshot:

Yes, that is a woman - riding a tiger - riding a giant bird.

Yes, that is a woman - riding a tiger - riding a giant bird.

Yes, this game is a real class act. Back to the topic at hand, I was having a hard time finding a name that didn’t already exist for my character, and for some reason I decided to try “Bananarama.”

Things starting to come around yet? Bananarama were partially made famous by their original recording of Cruel Summer in 1983. They also released an amazing music video to accompany their hit single. (I would also like to point out that their allegedly “cruel summer” seems to be filled with happy bouncing and banana eating. I’m not so sure what’s so cruel about that.)

Ace of Base then redid Cruel Summer in 1998.

Cruel Summer was also featured in the Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion soundtrack in 1997.

Noticing the amazing moves in the Bananarma music video, Josh then directed me to the Ida Corr music video:

(He likes their sassy head tilt dance… or so he claims.)

When the recommended videos came up, I clicked the next one which happened to be the video for Destination Unknown:

Note that song for later.

So we eventually got bored with Perfect World (Malaysian servers aren’t the most stable to play on at 11:00 at night) and we decided to head to the bar. The gay bar. (Sigh…) Conveniently enough, it was the Ms. Greater Grand Rapids 2008 pageant and we caught the last few minutes (crowning and final performances.) And what would you think Ms. Great Grand Rapids 2008 Professional sang?

9 to 5 by Dolly Parton.

Weeeeiiiirrrddddd!!

After the ceremonies had ended, the slutty techno dance portion of the festivities came into full force. The first song?

Destination Unknown.

One of the songs after that?

Let Me Think About it.

I don’t know, I thought this was too many coincidences and started to get freaked out. Well, it was fine until I saw that drag queen – riding a tiger – riding a bird. The computer generated Owl from the 1986 SMASH MEGAHIT Labyrinth, no less. My personal favorite movie of all time.

You remind me of the babe.

You remind me of the babe.